The One Where I Sometimes I ask God Why...

I'm stuck. 

I know the whole-- have-faith-in-the-universe- you'll-be-where-you're-supposed-to-be mindset...but really?! What happens when you're just stuck in life...no matter how hard you try to climb out of it. 

It's no secret to anyone who knows me...I come from a life of extreme poverty. The thing is, it's not MY choice. I had the unfortunate experience of growing up with a mother who never had (and still doesn't have) career ambitions or the self advocacy to even go for the things she wanted in life...and my brother and I were dragged along through all her botched attempts to "make a difference with the troubled youth". It's not something I talk about very often--due to the sensitivity of the issue and the judgmental expressions most people have. The thing is, sometimes I get really angry and frustrated no one gives me enough credit for overcoming what I have or my desire to make something out of my life. 

Did I ask to be born into the life of a divorced single mother, with an absent work-a-holic turned pseudo alcoholic father? Nope. Did I ask to be the only female in a house where our "house guests" and sort of siblings were mostly sex offenders? Nope. I wrote a letter to my father at 15 and read it out loud to him basically to say I deserved better than giving up every other weekend of "visitation" to . He thought it was some sort of joke, and in hindsight he was probably the start of very few people taking me seriously in life. Did I ask for pity, or enabling? Nope. I've always been the underdog with everything I do. I busted my butt to graduate Valedictorian of my class and managed to complete two college programs in roughly 5 1/2 years. Do I think I deserve better than the life I was forced into through no fault of my own? Heck yes. Do I want to use my background to positively influence others around me? Heck yes.

Now almost two years later, I'm feeling stagnant...mostly because of the crappy economy. I've tried to find work, and even more so -- something using my hard earned education. I am envious of some of the positions my friends landed right out of the gate--we have the same experience and education levels, yet I feel like I'm always the last one picked, or worse falling short at #2 all the time. So close...yet so far. I've recently started "inquiring" for real, live, people about positions I really want because I don't want to be some paper in a stack of resumes chest high on a desk. Cyber space is a realm all of it's own, which adds to so much extra stress and worry of "do they notice me?" "Will I stand out?"

Sometimes I ask God why. Why do I have to be the one constantly on guard or often feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I see the good in people, even when they make dumb, impulsive decisions? Why haven't I found my place in the world yet--away from the safety net of college and the school I miss terribly? Why do I feel like I hit brick wall after brick wall, my nose bleeds, and I can't catch a break? 

If you have an answer, maybe you'll be an angel on Earth and point me in the right direction...'cause right now--I'm stuck. 

The One With Ideas of Mr. Wonderful

Short post today, because I can't seem to think of something to write about...

Something to keep in mind for a future writing prompt, since I have a lot of ideas for the kind of relationship I'm holding out for. He's out there somewhere....

The One With a Letter to Anonymous

Dear _______,


You've been the root of my "issues" for most of my life, it's not exactly a secret to the people who know me well. I am above all the crap you tried to throw my way and you don't deserve to experience any of my accomplishments from my childhood on. I used to think it I didn't deserve you treating me like crap and the fact I had to deal with you, but guess what? It dawned on me a while back. you don't deserve me in life. There is a major difference between the two. I am a better person for all the crap you forced on me. I gained control of my own life and I respectfully gave you the written middle finger without you batting an eyelash, a tell tale sign you're actually too self absorbed to own up to any mistakes. Not my problem. There isn't a single day I regret breaking away...and it's your stubborn streak I inherited which blew up in your face all those years ago. I pray karma catches up with you, and given your current situation and life choices. I can't help but smile to myself because you had it coming. 

You lied to my face, and you made me so angry going completely against everything I thought I knew to be true about your character. You took another former friend of mine down with you, and seriously...I hope you're happy. If I ever see either of you or any of your associated people again I will just pretend I am smiling at a stranger on the sidewalk because now things are different and there is no going back. True colors show in their own time and based on what I know about your true colors, I liked your fake shades better because you can only hide the ugly for so long and it must have been exhausting keeping up the act. I've met different people since your chapter in my life and I know the meaning of true unconditional friendship. You might look good on the outside but we both know on the inside you're  pretty dang ugly. It's clear you don't know how to be someone's friend or even know your own beliefs... and as previously mentioned--- not my problem. 

Thank you for keeping my reality humble and believing in me when I couldn't muster the courage to believe in myself. I only knew you for a short time compared to how much life I have left to live. Even though you made your own life decisions which don't include me anymore, I would rather be alone and happy than with you knowing the person you are now. You apologized once and did the same thing over again after I told you specifically I wouldn't stand for it again....and you wonder why I disappeared. For a so called "smart person, sensitive to other people" you really need to rethink things. You didn't try to keep me in your life and the silence told me you weren't nearly as genuine with your intentions as you claimed to be. Not my problem anymore because I picked myself up knowing it wasn't worth my precious mental energy worrying more than I did. 

I'm glad we're growing closer now after time apart. I value good friendships and it's nice to know it's a two way street (at least with you). The little things are important to me. My hope is we continue with the pattern we're developing now for a long time. It'll be worth it. 

I haven't met you yet...but after many stumbles, tears, mistakes, and unknowingly thinking things were okay (when in fact the situations we not) I am soooo looking forward to our time and your presence in my life. I love you already. I know you love me too, we just have to find each other in the sea of people and prove it. In my heart of hearts I never gave up hope for you. It might not be a sappy romantic plot or the most elaborately detailed story but I don't care because it's ours. No one can take it away. Here's to a beautiful future together, whenever the future becomes every day life for us. 

Xoxo,

Ashes

The One with the 7th Mile and the Smile

It's been a while since I wrote anything down on this little page of mine...so here I am.
I cleaned my car out the other day, since it was 85+ degrees and the day before the moon roof was open all night...and yes, it down poured for most of the night. It soaked the seat covers and nearly destroyed my precious radio. Thankfully, all is well and cleaned out. I even found a cheap pina colada air freshener to freshen up the buggy. After a couple days of the can opened to the lowest setting in a small car closed off (not driven)...it was a whole lotta colada, let me tell you. Haha

Lately I seem to be a happier person as a whole and compared to where I was in life towards the end of January I have a whole new outlook. My pseudo Lent sacrifice was actually really good for unclogging all the crap swimming around in my head. I rarely have any negative voices whispering in my head now....and it's hard to explain but I feel free (at least more so than I'm used to feeling the past year or so). You could say it's more at peace up there and I am so excited to feel the calm again.

I've also hovering near the 12 lb weight loss mark on the scale, which doesn't sound like much but I'm content with the progression after a few weeks. I walk almost every day anywhere from 5-7 miles at a time and a full 45 mins of yoga before I even lace up my shoes to go outside. When I walk my head clears and I just focus on the lyrics/ beats of the music on my head phones. It feels good and I keep track of how many laps (1 full lap up and down the drive way here = 1 mile) by a pen mark on the inside of my left hand, also when I stop for a swig of water. Oh, and I smile into the sun....especially today when I walked 7 miles straight.

Physically my hair is much lighter blonde than it was a couple months ago and I have my seasonal freckles popping up on my nose and cheeks.People don't usually believe I am 25 (26 this fall!) and having the freckles makes me appear even further from my actual age. I look in the mirror and smile now, because the sparkle in my eye is starting to show a little brighter. For the longest time I didn't recognize the reflection because it looked so hollow and soul-less...but I'm finding my way now. Mentally, I feel like I've reclaimed my self control...or at least my power thoughts. I don't eat anything between dinner and breakfast, which was easier to get used to than I thought. Instead I switch between dandelion root tea (for digestion and water weight loss) and home made green tea lemonade without the sugar, or just lots of spa water.

Realistically I'm not sure where I will end up with the resumes I'm still sending out...but I found peace where I am at the moment. I am taking better care of myself and doing what I can with the time and space I have in front of me now. A new season will come where I find my job and I will transition again....but realize now the key is to accept "what is" knowing in your heart of hearts you're working ever so gradually in the right direction.  

And...if you need some inspiration, this video will bring you to tears...
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSO4Q5Yf6LQ

I've watched it many times as I continue forward. It's a reminder to keep going no matter what. Forward <3

The One With the Walking and Spa Water

My work out adventure is proving to be more difficult than I thought, so I decided to tweak it a little. I read online you can burn a substantial amount of calories just by power-walking for a couple hours a day and it actually engages more of your muscles than running or walking leisurely. It made more sense for me to start with the more intense walking for long distances than the beginners running program...not sure why.  I'm thinking about investing in a pedometer so it's easier to keep track of my movements.  I find walking up and down the 1/2 mile long driveway here to be somewhat therapeutic. It's fresh air and wide open space I wouldn't have easy access to if I lived in the city....for now I have to enjoy my surroundings because I know this only a temporary thing (thankfully)!
Since it's rainy and pretty dreary outside this evening I think I'm going to spend some time adding to my track list for my work outs. I figure if I have 1- 1 1/2 hours worth of tunes to keep me focused then it will make my work out time go by a little faster. Maybe I will post them later.

Long term thinking, maybe building up an endurance is a better first move than forcing myself to extend my time moving faster. All things considered I increased my "run time" for almost a full minute compared to last week and I figure I can go about 1/4 of a mile at consistent pace after the 6th work out. It doesn't sound like much, yeah, but I can feel the difference and see it in myself.  I feel like I look happier, and much less puffy than I was before. The addition of "spa water" has been fantastic so far...it's just sliced cucumber and lemon seeped in a glass pitcher. It adds a little flavor to the water, and  turns out the combination is a natural diuretic and it definitely works!  

I've also noticed my face is FINALLY close to free of break outs, even though I wash my face every day. My problem area has been concentrated to my chin and last night I went to bed after dinner with my mom & aunt I woke up to an almost clear face...not sure what changed but something did (and I'm happy with whatever it is)! My chin area has been horrible recently and after diet adjustments, exercise changes, and forcing myself to stick to a routine until it becomes habit (like waking up, washing my face, and eating something for breakfast within a half hour of when I roll out of bed) I feel better.

Right now, I feel pretty good about myself and I am starting to feel more confident in my own abilities. I just have to keep positive and more importantly press forward, one step at a time. Good things will come my way soon--I know that much. I have worked way too hard to be stagnant and struggling forever.  LIVE WELL <3

The One With the Tunes List

I admit it, I've never been a fan of running/jogging....it just hasn't been my go-to thing for any point in my life. Then again I haven't forced myself to tie up my shoes and get out there to move faster than a power walk.  Until now.

Since I'm on a self improvement kick, I thought I would finally test my will power and learn to like it...or at least force myself to do it more often. Who am I kidding, the endorphin high (so I've heard) could be fantastic...and any little bit of happiness I can get will work wonders on my overall attitude.  A friend of mine talked about the "Couch to 5K" work out plan, which  takes intervals of walking and running and increases over the 28 work outs..so by the end you should be able to run for a full 30 minutes. I'm not out to be a marathon runner or anything but right now I can focus on myself as I wait for the rest of my life to fall into place. I also noticed 28 work outs done every day instead of the 3 times a week might increase the likelihood running becomes a new habit. ....

I did the first work out and it was hard for me to stop and start every 30 seconds looking at my phone's stop watch so I came up with a play list of up tempo music and slower stuff. I plan to adjust my speed with each song change. It'll take some time to work up to full songs but I figure as long as I'm moving for the entire playlist it will get easier...until I reach the full length run.

So what's the playlist you ask? ....Drum roll please....

1) Don't Stop Believing - Journey (warm up)

2) Stronger - Kelly Clarkson

3) Stand- Rascal Flatts

4) Cruise - Florida Georgia Line

5) Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

6) Raise Your Glass - P!nk

7) The House  That Built Me - Miranda Lambert

8) Country Girl - Luke Bryan

9) She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

10) Here I Go Again - Whitesnake ( Cool Down)

The track list is a total of 38 minutes....which is more than enough to keep me busy for a while. I spent a lot of time listening to different tunes and picking the ones I liked best/ kept me motivated. I pay attention to the lyrics just as much as the beat and I also like variety of genres so I think this mix is pretty good.  As I run more I might change out some of the slower songs for faster, to keep me motivated.  On that note, I should finish downloading the track list to my MP3 player and mentally prepare myself for the continuation tomorrow. Wish me luck (and for wings on my feet haha)!!

<--- P.S. A little wisdom for the day and something to think about.

 

The One With Adding and Subtracting Habits

Over the past few months, I've accepted many things in my life for what they are at the moment....not for an end result like I will be stuck here forever.

At the risk of feeling completely exposed I'm trying to make 2014 the year I work really hard to make positive changes to my life because 2013 really soured my attitude for everything. I had such a tunnel vision focus on where I wanted my future to go I literally couldn't just sit still and savor the moments I had available to me. I was always the one who seemed to make logical and intuitive decisions (I'm the "rare" INFJ personality) but somehow I lost my way. Everyone else around me did the things most young adults do: get married after graduation, find a job, have a baby (not all in the listed order)...except me. I'm not married-or have any prospects at the moment-, I don't have a job yet, but I'm also not currently responsible for a baby or another life. I love kids of any age, and someday I will have my own family. I think the last year was the universe's way of telling me I need to get my own life together and be secure in myself before anything else happens.

People tell me half the battle of figuring out where you're going in life is eliminating the things you don't want/don't need. I've given up trying to communicate with certain people who obviously don't care about my presence in their life. I don't need the extra emotional stress of *why hasn't_____ called me back?* or *I wonder if _____ really meant what he/she said?* If someone is meant to be a part of my life for a long duration then they won't just be "fair weather friends" or only around with their hands out when I have time and energy to give. Any relationship or friendship is a two way street. Remember that, folks. 
I've eliminated junk food, for the most part. I haven't had a fast food burger, pop, Taco Bell, in...a long time. I don't really miss any of it either. Based on the recent break out area of my face (which won't go away no matter what I try) I'm also considering a dairy free diet for a while, until my system works itself out. Hmm...
I'm not Catholic, but every year I've been at AQ (and beyond) I have observed the Lent season by giving up something, and adding something to my life. I gave up negativity. because it just makes me more angry and inwardly volatile to certain people in my life now. It's still a battle when I'm living in a less than ideal environment. I've had my slip ups, but even then, I have to remember their issues are NOT mine and this season is a season, not an ultimate destination. It will get better, if I have the support or not.  I've added clean eating and more exercise. Jumping rope inside is hard with low ceilings, but it works for a couple minutes of cardio. I'm also stretching more through yoga and various relaxation techniques. I like healthy foods and LOTS of water too, and those combined with random detox methods have made me feel so much better from the inside out. I have a goal weight in my head but it's just a number. It doesn't define what's in my soul.

I feel like focusing on the good...and clinging hard to my renewed optimism will make things happen. My life right now is far from where I want it to be....but I know I'm putting in the effort to change it and the right opportunities just haven't shown me where I'm meant to be yet. I'm reminded of "The Secret". Thoughts become things, and the things will appear in their right timing.