The One With the Steps in the Right Direction

No additional words or explanations needed, except this sentence speaks to my soul at the moment. 
I feel lighter already!

The One With the Lonely and Alone Comparison

Sometimes Facebook provides a little wisdom just when you need it most. Perfect example is this post from Positivity Vibrations :

" This is for all the "lonely" people.

The difference between being alone and being lonely is that the lonely ones do not like being alone. But being alone need not entail loneliness. There is no reason to not appreciate being alone, or at least to not see it as a bad circumstance.

Being alone means space and reflection without the background noise. Being alone means absolute and full attention to yourself. Being alone means no compromises made to cater to others. Being alone... means pursuing your passions. Being alone means knowing how to take the time to appreciate who and what you are. Doing these things, alone, need not be a lonely process. If I feel lonely being alone, then I need to cultivate a better relationship with myself.

It is not about having a quantity of others' presence that makes one less lonely, but the quality of appreciating your own presence which enables one to love inside and outside of oneself. "

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This actually speaks to the introvert personality I have, even though I'm extroverted in certain situations. Anyway, I feel more at peace lately than I have in quite a while...and I've learned sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go. In a way it's very rejuvenating. Let go of the things you can't control. Let go of the people who have done you wrong and/or repeatedly do so. Let go of others' opinions if they're not supportive or trying to make you into something you're not. Let go of the failed avenues or the wrong paths; they're learning experiences.

Sure, being lonely happens to the best of us... I'm no stranger to it. I didn't know what the lesson of all my struggles for the past year would be... although now I'm beginning to understand it might be a test of faith and a hard shove into taking care of myself after I've focused on so many other things for the duration of my educational career.  One step at a time? Yeah, I'll go with it.

The One with the Jump Rope and the Purple Notebook

I would like to think this whole "lifestyle/attitude change" is easier to start small...and work up to the bigger things. Sometimes I approach things like I'm jumping into the deep end of a pool without floaties, but this time I'm adding things and steps as I go. 

Yesterday I did a few things I've never tried/done before:

I bought a *food journal* from the dollar store. It's just a blank note pad, but it fits my personality...and I thought it would help keep me accountable for the things I do/eat on a given day. It also helps keep me on track for time-keeping and progress notes like I had to do in my paralegal classes.  I plan to write in it every day, weigh myself every Tues morning, and keep track of the calories I eat/burn off. Here's to hoping I keep as good a record for myself as I do with client files :)

The second thing I bought was a weighted jump rope. It was pretty cheap, since 'tis the season for fitness equipment to go on sale. I used to jump rope all the time as a kid, with the little plastic things from Toys R Us. This one is more "adult" and I figure I can balance a little cardio with my yoga. Fun fact: Google tells me  roughly 11 calories are burned for every minute of jumping rope at average speed. It's not a lot, but it would add up through the course of the day. 

                                                   

 I also found an idea for naturally flavored water, sounded fun to try. It's apple cinnamon water, supposed to speed up your metabolism and help detox your system. All you have to do is chop an apple into thin slices and throw in a cinnamon stick.  I let it set over night in the pitcher but it didn't taste like much the next day, so I boiled some new water and let the apples & cinnamon steep like tea, then chilled it in the fridge.  It turned out pretty well and I think it's nice to have a change from just plain water. My plan is to also experiment with cucumber & lemon water on days/weeks where I want to feel like I'm living at the spa. I've always liked lemon in water so I figure it would be along the same lines.

Sure, my life isn't quite where I want it to be just yet, but there's only so many things I can control.

 I found this a while ago via the interwebs... it serves as a self esteem boost, or just a reminder to do the best you can with what you have. I knew early in Dec '13 I didn't want 2014 to play out the same way (for the most part) so I am working to change it in the best ways I know how.  I'm 25, with plenty of life left to live and plenty of positive contributions to make to the world when the opportunity finally presents itself.

The One With The Mascara Brush and the Radio

I wore mascara yesterday. Normally I'm not one for make-up, but I felt like a little dark swipe around my eyes would make them pop and look more soulful. 

I was right. 

I looked in the rear view mirror of my old, yet trusty, Honda Accord as I flexed the mascara brush up and out. It made me smile. After I twisted the brush back into the tube of black goop, I noticed my eyes seemed brighter and not as sad. Honestly, I didn't think the mascara itself made much of an improvement to what was naturally there. The reflection I saw looked different, in a good way. I smiled again when it dawned on me-- I turned a corner with the down-on-my-luck mood I've been stuck in for a while. For a few minutes (actually the entire song of Sara Evans' track "A Little Bit Stronger") I felt at peace. Maybe the yoga, detox baths, and green tea/water are working...or maybe I've finally accepted my life will be used to do great things in due time. I can't dwell on the things I don't have because I might be blind to the possibilities of better things in my future. 

I've found it to be incredibly frustrating when people tell me "you will find the right career, everything will work out"-- as if my efforts to find such thing the last year (or more) haven't meant anything. I've experienced my fair share of rejection (or worse- sent my cover letters and resumes into the abyss of HR departments with no contact, ever). I've had  interviews where I felt like I could hold my own "playing with the big kids" and although I felt like I did well with them, nothing happened with a job offer.  I questioned whether or not all my time in school was a waste, if I did something wrong, and cried many tears when I let myself hope "this is the right job for me" only to find out another candidate won. I drove myself crazy wondering why. I lost my patience with the universe. I really, really, felt like a failure. People tell me I have a lot to offer an employer; both with skills I already have and my ability to learn on the fly. Tell me something I don't know. It took me a while to realize I slipped away from my genuine self and I started to obsess over the negative instead of having faith in the positive. 

I know I'm fighting an uphill battle given the economy and so many people out of work....but someone, somewhere, has to notice my application (polished resume and eloquently written cover letter) in the stacks of resumes and think "she is worth a face to face meeting". I want the right employer to see the joy with newly found hope in my eyes and experience my genuine- light-up-the-room smile. I want to help people and be the most dynamic person I can be in the working world. 

Until the life changing day with a job offer comes, I have to focus on the glimmer I saw in my own eyes. I can't define myself by the number of rejections, or how another person might perceive me through two documents without knowing the person I actually am. I have to continue getting stronger.

                                           Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
                                 And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
                         I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer
                                                              I'm busy getting stronger                           

The One With the New Year's Resolution and the Bracelet

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine last night... about New Year's resolutions of all things. Timmy, in all of his wisdom said he viewed January as a month to decide what he wants to aim for in the new year....and February means the start of applying it. I really liked the concept of giving yourself time to decide/figure out what you want to work towards or change in the new year and if the 31 day reflection in January is done well, chances are the resolution will stick compared to a hasty or uncommitted idea prior to New Year's Eve/January 1. 

I realized through our talk certain things can't be changed in life because they're simply out of my control. At the same time, I don't  have to lay down and scream "uncle" when things are not how I imagined them to be at a certain point in my life. My attitude for the duration 2013 in general wasn't the most optimistic, mostly because I couldn't catch a break job/career wise and I was so frustrated feeling like I didn't have anywhere to reach after graduation (for the second time). Even worse was the struggle to accept always falling second tier to candidates with more experience. I've been in school for so long I don't know how to define myself outside of the academic environment most days. I love school, even though I'm not a genius. I don't mind the work because it's all I've really known. My programs required internships...and I met the requirements in addition to other jobs to fill the summers. I have a pretty wide skill set and not many can say enthusiastically they're willing to adapt/ learn new things to become successful in the work place. I am. I just have to find the right situation where I can grow professionally and put the degrees I worked hard for into practice. No one can take my diplomas away from me, and no one can argue I didn't work for either piece of paper. If they mean nothing else to the outside world they're proof I can finish what I start. I can endure. 

Anyway, back to the resolution. I've decided this year I am going to live healthier, both physically and mentally. Being in transition (still) is full of anxiety and stress...enough to drive anyone crazy. Since the beginning of the month I've done yoga nearly every day and I've also come to enjoy detox baths. I'm nowhere near where I want to be (yet) but I'm actively working towards making myself feel more content from the inside out. I can feel a change, and the universe is giving me little reminders along the way....so I must be on the right track. 

For example:
On a whim, Mom and I went to church  this past Sunday. The congregation is in the middle of a huge expansion project so the services are held at Lowell High School's PAC. The greeters handed out orange bracelets with the simple words "New. Now"...to match the staff's T Shirts with the same phrase and color. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard but the whole sermon (conveniently on self awareness and attitude) served as a reminder new things are inevitable and like it or not the focus sometimes needs to be on the "now" and not "future" or "past".  It's a pair of simple words...but much more complex to internalize, and even more difficult to accept. 

Through most of my school career I dreamed of the future and what possibilities it holds after graduation. At the time, the real world seemed a safe distance away when I kept it at arm's length. School was safe for me because I knew (generally) what to expect and made good decisions to balance my time and ride the roller coaster journey to graduation. I knew the goal was a diploma. Now it's a new year...and a new season of my life where I don't have classes, or papers to write, or heart to hearts with my peers in the dorms any time I want. I jumped into college right after high school because it was the logical transition for me. No regrets. I accomplished what I set out to do in higher education and now another phase of my life has to start, long transition period or not.  I lost my footing and "the world is my oyster" mindset  because I didn't want to stare uncertainty and a crappy economy head on. I found comfort in the general idea  my bright future is tomorrow, and not right now because the "now" is still familiar. In school I moved forward in life with the notion I can be anything I wanted to be, but not quite sure how me as a person would change along the way. I still don't know.  It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and little rocks fall down the side...once they fall they're in moving transition until they find a new resting place. We never really know what happens to them after moving from their point A; maybe they chip, maybe they fall apart completely, or maybe they stop at the new location completely unchanged. The point is: once the dust of transition settles, either the rocks physically change or parts to their surrounding environment changes. The  "new"change eventually becomes the "now"...and the cycle likely repeats itself, welcomed or not.  

I have to focus my energy on what I can do with myself for "now" because who knows what the "new" will bring. 

The One With the Number 27

The number 27 right now, means the turning of age for one of my dearest friends in the world. He is 27 today...and I'm amazed at how a decade (or more?) long friendship spanning an entire time zone (and a few states) seems to work for us. We don't know anything different, but I do know I would be a very different person without him in my life.

Usually I'm the one talking. He listens, always. Sometimes I can't tell if he's rolling his eyes at me or surfing the web as I ramble...but the point is, he's been there for me. He saw me through a lot of terrible times. He's also shared my joy during the good times. There are moments when we can sit in silence on the phone and just be. It's rare for me to feel comfortable with any guys (and he knows why) but he never once judged me for my tense moments or when I call him because I don't know who else to call and vent to. He still doesn't judge me and I am so appreciative of his presence in my life. I know he could have easily disappeared like so many people have the past few years. He is still with me. It's strange to think where I would be without him in my world but thankfully I don't have to wonder. There are very few people I trust in my life and he's earned it with continuous support.

I wish we lived closer. Sometimes I wish I missed my flight back to MI when I visited in the fall.  Something about him makes me feel at peace and then I can only hope other people in the world are fortunate enough to know a loyal friend, no matter how far apart the two people are. He sent me flowers from a local (to me) flower shop just because he felt I needed something to smile about. I still have the note and a single white (now brown tinted) rose from the bouquet. When I was upset about the accidental death of my beloved purple MP3 player...guess what showed up at my door, just before Christmas? An exact replacement! I strive to be a great person because I know he will find such joy in his heart knowing once I find my way to "the good life" he'll be watching me with the same smile I saw when I climbed the stairs at DIA.

I'm sure he knows I wouldn't want him to settle for anything less than he deserves in life. I try to bend his thoughts and make him dream a little but sometimes I don't think he really understands I just want him to be the best person he can be. When you're really a friend to someone it requires tough love sometimes. More than anything in the world I want him to be unafraid to live life and know it's okay if something leads to a mistake. I'll be there to encourage and support.  I want him to grow this year as a person. I want him to stretch his wings and find what really makes him feel good... more importantly something to give his life a meaning. He'll get there someday. I know it.

He might not know it but I've always had faith in him, and I want him to be great. So, Happy Birthday to my beloved friend, Josh. Oh, and Josh? If you're reading this...may your donkey never lose its sense of direction and may your glass be at least half full for today and every day after.