Dear _______,
You've been the root of my "issues" for most of my life, it's not exactly a secret to the people who know me well. I am above all the crap you tried to throw my way and you don't deserve to experience any of my accomplishments from my childhood on. I used to think it I didn't deserve you treating me like crap and the fact I had to deal with you, but guess what? It dawned on me a while back. you don't deserve me in life. There is a major difference between the two. I am a better person for all the crap you forced on me. I gained control of my own life and I respectfully gave you the written middle finger without you batting an eyelash, a tell tale sign you're actually too self absorbed to own up to any mistakes. Not my problem. There isn't a single day I regret breaking away...and it's your stubborn streak I inherited which blew up in your face all those years ago. I pray karma catches up with you, and given your current situation and life choices. I can't help but smile to myself because you had it coming.
You lied to my face, and you made me so angry going completely against everything I thought I knew to be true about your character. You took another former friend of mine down with you, and seriously...I hope you're happy. If I ever see either of you or any of your associated people again I will just pretend I am smiling at a stranger on the sidewalk because now things are different and there is no going back. True colors show in their own time and based on what I know about your true colors, I liked your fake shades better because you can only hide the ugly for so long and it must have been exhausting keeping up the act. I've met different people since your chapter in my life and I know the meaning of true unconditional friendship. You might look good on the outside but we both know on the inside you're pretty dang ugly. It's clear you don't know how to be someone's friend or even know your own beliefs... and as previously mentioned--- not my problem.
Thank you for keeping my reality humble and believing in me when I couldn't muster the courage to believe in myself. I only knew you for a short time compared to how much life I have left to live. Even though you made your own life decisions which don't include me anymore, I would rather be alone and happy than with you knowing the person you are now. You apologized once and did the same thing over again after I told you specifically I wouldn't stand for it again....and you wonder why I disappeared. For a so called "smart person, sensitive to other people" you really need to rethink things. You didn't try to keep me in your life and the silence told me you weren't nearly as genuine with your intentions as you claimed to be. Not my problem anymore because I picked myself up knowing it wasn't worth my precious mental energy worrying more than I did.
I'm glad we're growing closer now after time apart. I value good friendships and it's nice to know it's a two way street (at least with you). The little things are important to me. My hope is we continue with the pattern we're developing now for a long time. It'll be worth it.
I haven't met you yet...but after many stumbles, tears, mistakes, and unknowingly thinking things were okay (when in fact the situations we not) I am soooo looking forward to our time and your presence in my life. I love you already. I know you love me too, we just have to find each other in the sea of people and prove it. In my heart of hearts I never gave up hope for you. It might not be a sappy romantic plot or the most elaborately detailed story but I don't care because it's ours. No one can take it away. Here's to a beautiful future together, whenever the future becomes every day life for us.
Xoxo,
Ashes
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
The One with the 7th Mile and the Smile
It's been a while since I wrote anything down on this little page of mine...so here I am.
I cleaned my car out the other day, since it was 85+ degrees and the day before the moon roof was open all night...and yes, it down poured for most of the night. It soaked the seat covers and nearly destroyed my precious radio. Thankfully, all is well and cleaned out. I even found a cheap pina colada air freshener to freshen up the buggy. After a couple days of the can opened to the lowest setting in a small car closed off (not driven)...it was a whole lotta colada, let me tell you. Haha
Lately I seem to be a happier person as a whole and compared to where I was in life towards the end of January I have a whole new outlook. My pseudo Lent sacrifice was actually really good for unclogging all the crap swimming around in my head. I rarely have any negative voices whispering in my head now....and it's hard to explain but I feel free (at least more so than I'm used to feeling the past year or so). You could say it's more at peace up there and I am so excited to feel the calm again.
I've also hovering near the 12 lb weight loss mark on the scale, which doesn't sound like much but I'm content with the progression after a few weeks. I walk almost every day anywhere from 5-7 miles at a time and a full 45 mins of yoga before I even lace up my shoes to go outside. When I walk my head clears and I just focus on the lyrics/ beats of the music on my head phones. It feels good and I keep track of how many laps (1 full lap up and down the drive way here = 1 mile) by a pen mark on the inside of my left hand, also when I stop for a swig of water. Oh, and I smile into the sun....especially today when I walked 7 miles straight.
Physically my hair is much lighter blonde than it was a couple months ago and I have my seasonal freckles popping up on my nose and cheeks.People don't usually believe I am 25 (26 this fall!) and having the freckles makes me appear even further from my actual age. I look in the mirror and smile now, because the sparkle in my eye is starting to show a little brighter. For the longest time I didn't recognize the reflection because it looked so hollow and soul-less...but I'm finding my way now. Mentally, I feel like I've reclaimed my self control...or at least my power thoughts. I don't eat anything between dinner and breakfast, which was easier to get used to than I thought. Instead I switch between dandelion root tea (for digestion and water weight loss) and home made green tea lemonade without the sugar, or just lots of spa water.
Realistically I'm not sure where I will end up with the resumes I'm still sending out...but I found peace where I am at the moment. I am taking better care of myself and doing what I can with the time and space I have in front of me now. A new season will come where I find my job and I will transition again....but realize now the key is to accept "what is" knowing in your heart of hearts you're working ever so gradually in the right direction.
And...if you need some inspiration, this video will bring you to tears...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSO4Q5Yf6LQ
I've watched it many times as I continue forward. It's a reminder to keep going no matter what. Forward <3
I cleaned my car out the other day, since it was 85+ degrees and the day before the moon roof was open all night...and yes, it down poured for most of the night. It soaked the seat covers and nearly destroyed my precious radio. Thankfully, all is well and cleaned out. I even found a cheap pina colada air freshener to freshen up the buggy. After a couple days of the can opened to the lowest setting in a small car closed off (not driven)...it was a whole lotta colada, let me tell you. Haha
Lately I seem to be a happier person as a whole and compared to where I was in life towards the end of January I have a whole new outlook. My pseudo Lent sacrifice was actually really good for unclogging all the crap swimming around in my head. I rarely have any negative voices whispering in my head now....and it's hard to explain but I feel free (at least more so than I'm used to feeling the past year or so). You could say it's more at peace up there and I am so excited to feel the calm again.
I've also hovering near the 12 lb weight loss mark on the scale, which doesn't sound like much but I'm content with the progression after a few weeks. I walk almost every day anywhere from 5-7 miles at a time and a full 45 mins of yoga before I even lace up my shoes to go outside. When I walk my head clears and I just focus on the lyrics/ beats of the music on my head phones. It feels good and I keep track of how many laps (1 full lap up and down the drive way here = 1 mile) by a pen mark on the inside of my left hand, also when I stop for a swig of water. Oh, and I smile into the sun....especially today when I walked 7 miles straight.
Physically my hair is much lighter blonde than it was a couple months ago and I have my seasonal freckles popping up on my nose and cheeks.People don't usually believe I am 25 (26 this fall!) and having the freckles makes me appear even further from my actual age. I look in the mirror and smile now, because the sparkle in my eye is starting to show a little brighter. For the longest time I didn't recognize the reflection because it looked so hollow and soul-less...but I'm finding my way now. Mentally, I feel like I've reclaimed my self control...or at least my power thoughts. I don't eat anything between dinner and breakfast, which was easier to get used to than I thought. Instead I switch between dandelion root tea (for digestion and water weight loss) and home made green tea lemonade without the sugar, or just lots of spa water.
Realistically I'm not sure where I will end up with the resumes I'm still sending out...but I found peace where I am at the moment. I am taking better care of myself and doing what I can with the time and space I have in front of me now. A new season will come where I find my job and I will transition again....but realize now the key is to accept "what is" knowing in your heart of hearts you're working ever so gradually in the right direction.
And...if you need some inspiration, this video will bring you to tears...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSO4Q5Yf6LQ
I've watched it many times as I continue forward. It's a reminder to keep going no matter what. Forward <3
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