The One With the New Year's Resolution and the Bracelet

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine last night... about New Year's resolutions of all things. Timmy, in all of his wisdom said he viewed January as a month to decide what he wants to aim for in the new year....and February means the start of applying it. I really liked the concept of giving yourself time to decide/figure out what you want to work towards or change in the new year and if the 31 day reflection in January is done well, chances are the resolution will stick compared to a hasty or uncommitted idea prior to New Year's Eve/January 1. 

I realized through our talk certain things can't be changed in life because they're simply out of my control. At the same time, I don't  have to lay down and scream "uncle" when things are not how I imagined them to be at a certain point in my life. My attitude for the duration 2013 in general wasn't the most optimistic, mostly because I couldn't catch a break job/career wise and I was so frustrated feeling like I didn't have anywhere to reach after graduation (for the second time). Even worse was the struggle to accept always falling second tier to candidates with more experience. I've been in school for so long I don't know how to define myself outside of the academic environment most days. I love school, even though I'm not a genius. I don't mind the work because it's all I've really known. My programs required internships...and I met the requirements in addition to other jobs to fill the summers. I have a pretty wide skill set and not many can say enthusiastically they're willing to adapt/ learn new things to become successful in the work place. I am. I just have to find the right situation where I can grow professionally and put the degrees I worked hard for into practice. No one can take my diplomas away from me, and no one can argue I didn't work for either piece of paper. If they mean nothing else to the outside world they're proof I can finish what I start. I can endure. 

Anyway, back to the resolution. I've decided this year I am going to live healthier, both physically and mentally. Being in transition (still) is full of anxiety and stress...enough to drive anyone crazy. Since the beginning of the month I've done yoga nearly every day and I've also come to enjoy detox baths. I'm nowhere near where I want to be (yet) but I'm actively working towards making myself feel more content from the inside out. I can feel a change, and the universe is giving me little reminders along the way....so I must be on the right track. 

For example:
On a whim, Mom and I went to church  this past Sunday. The congregation is in the middle of a huge expansion project so the services are held at Lowell High School's PAC. The greeters handed out orange bracelets with the simple words "New. Now"...to match the staff's T Shirts with the same phrase and color. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard but the whole sermon (conveniently on self awareness and attitude) served as a reminder new things are inevitable and like it or not the focus sometimes needs to be on the "now" and not "future" or "past".  It's a pair of simple words...but much more complex to internalize, and even more difficult to accept. 

Through most of my school career I dreamed of the future and what possibilities it holds after graduation. At the time, the real world seemed a safe distance away when I kept it at arm's length. School was safe for me because I knew (generally) what to expect and made good decisions to balance my time and ride the roller coaster journey to graduation. I knew the goal was a diploma. Now it's a new year...and a new season of my life where I don't have classes, or papers to write, or heart to hearts with my peers in the dorms any time I want. I jumped into college right after high school because it was the logical transition for me. No regrets. I accomplished what I set out to do in higher education and now another phase of my life has to start, long transition period or not.  I lost my footing and "the world is my oyster" mindset  because I didn't want to stare uncertainty and a crappy economy head on. I found comfort in the general idea  my bright future is tomorrow, and not right now because the "now" is still familiar. In school I moved forward in life with the notion I can be anything I wanted to be, but not quite sure how me as a person would change along the way. I still don't know.  It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and little rocks fall down the side...once they fall they're in moving transition until they find a new resting place. We never really know what happens to them after moving from their point A; maybe they chip, maybe they fall apart completely, or maybe they stop at the new location completely unchanged. The point is: once the dust of transition settles, either the rocks physically change or parts to their surrounding environment changes. The  "new"change eventually becomes the "now"...and the cycle likely repeats itself, welcomed or not.  

I have to focus my energy on what I can do with myself for "now" because who knows what the "new" will bring.