I'm stuck.
I know the whole-- have-faith-in-the-universe- you'll-be-where-you're-supposed-to-be mindset...but really?! What happens when you're just stuck in life...no matter how hard you try to climb out of it.
It's no secret to anyone who knows me...I come from a life of extreme poverty. The thing is, it's not MY choice. I had the unfortunate experience of growing up with a mother who never had (and still doesn't have) career ambitions or the self advocacy to even go for the things she wanted in life...and my brother and I were dragged along through all her botched attempts to "make a difference with the troubled youth". It's not something I talk about very often--due to the sensitivity of the issue and the judgmental expressions most people have. The thing is, sometimes I get really angry and frustrated no one gives me enough credit for overcoming what I have or my desire to make something out of my life.
Did I ask to be born into the life of a divorced single mother, with an absent work-a-holic turned pseudo alcoholic father? Nope. Did I ask to be the only female in a house where our "house guests" and sort of siblings were mostly sex offenders? Nope. I wrote a letter to my father at 15 and read it out loud to him basically to say I deserved better than giving up every other weekend of "visitation" to . He thought it was some sort of joke, and in hindsight he was probably the start of very few people taking me seriously in life. Did I ask for pity, or enabling? Nope. I've always been the underdog with everything I do. I busted my butt to graduate Valedictorian of my class and managed to complete two college programs in roughly 5 1/2 years. Do I think I deserve better than the life I was forced into through no fault of my own? Heck yes. Do I want to use my background to positively influence others around me? Heck yes.
Now almost two years later, I'm feeling stagnant...mostly because of the crappy economy. I've tried to find work, and even more so -- something using my hard earned education. I am envious of some of the positions my friends landed right out of the gate--we have the same experience and education levels, yet I feel like I'm always the last one picked, or worse falling short at #2 all the time. So close...yet so far. I've recently started "inquiring" for real, live, people about positions I really want because I don't want to be some paper in a stack of resumes chest high on a desk. Cyber space is a realm all of it's own, which adds to so much extra stress and worry of "do they notice me?" "Will I stand out?"
Sometimes I ask God why. Why do I have to be the one constantly on guard or often feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I see the good in people, even when they make dumb, impulsive decisions? Why haven't I found my place in the world yet--away from the safety net of college and the school I miss terribly? Why do I feel like I hit brick wall after brick wall, my nose bleeds, and I can't catch a break?
If you have an answer, maybe you'll be an angel on Earth and point me in the right direction...'cause right now--I'm stuck.
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