The One Where I Sometimes I ask God Why...

I'm stuck. 

I know the whole-- have-faith-in-the-universe- you'll-be-where-you're-supposed-to-be mindset...but really?! What happens when you're just stuck in life...no matter how hard you try to climb out of it. 

It's no secret to anyone who knows me...I come from a life of extreme poverty. The thing is, it's not MY choice. I had the unfortunate experience of growing up with a mother who never had (and still doesn't have) career ambitions or the self advocacy to even go for the things she wanted in life...and my brother and I were dragged along through all her botched attempts to "make a difference with the troubled youth". It's not something I talk about very often--due to the sensitivity of the issue and the judgmental expressions most people have. The thing is, sometimes I get really angry and frustrated no one gives me enough credit for overcoming what I have or my desire to make something out of my life. 

Did I ask to be born into the life of a divorced single mother, with an absent work-a-holic turned pseudo alcoholic father? Nope. Did I ask to be the only female in a house where our "house guests" and sort of siblings were mostly sex offenders? Nope. I wrote a letter to my father at 15 and read it out loud to him basically to say I deserved better than giving up every other weekend of "visitation" to . He thought it was some sort of joke, and in hindsight he was probably the start of very few people taking me seriously in life. Did I ask for pity, or enabling? Nope. I've always been the underdog with everything I do. I busted my butt to graduate Valedictorian of my class and managed to complete two college programs in roughly 5 1/2 years. Do I think I deserve better than the life I was forced into through no fault of my own? Heck yes. Do I want to use my background to positively influence others around me? Heck yes.

Now almost two years later, I'm feeling stagnant...mostly because of the crappy economy. I've tried to find work, and even more so -- something using my hard earned education. I am envious of some of the positions my friends landed right out of the gate--we have the same experience and education levels, yet I feel like I'm always the last one picked, or worse falling short at #2 all the time. So close...yet so far. I've recently started "inquiring" for real, live, people about positions I really want because I don't want to be some paper in a stack of resumes chest high on a desk. Cyber space is a realm all of it's own, which adds to so much extra stress and worry of "do they notice me?" "Will I stand out?"

Sometimes I ask God why. Why do I have to be the one constantly on guard or often feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I see the good in people, even when they make dumb, impulsive decisions? Why haven't I found my place in the world yet--away from the safety net of college and the school I miss terribly? Why do I feel like I hit brick wall after brick wall, my nose bleeds, and I can't catch a break? 

If you have an answer, maybe you'll be an angel on Earth and point me in the right direction...'cause right now--I'm stuck. 

The One With Ideas of Mr. Wonderful

Short post today, because I can't seem to think of something to write about...

Something to keep in mind for a future writing prompt, since I have a lot of ideas for the kind of relationship I'm holding out for. He's out there somewhere....

The One With a Letter to Anonymous

Dear _______,


You've been the root of my "issues" for most of my life, it's not exactly a secret to the people who know me well. I am above all the crap you tried to throw my way and you don't deserve to experience any of my accomplishments from my childhood on. I used to think it I didn't deserve you treating me like crap and the fact I had to deal with you, but guess what? It dawned on me a while back. you don't deserve me in life. There is a major difference between the two. I am a better person for all the crap you forced on me. I gained control of my own life and I respectfully gave you the written middle finger without you batting an eyelash, a tell tale sign you're actually too self absorbed to own up to any mistakes. Not my problem. There isn't a single day I regret breaking away...and it's your stubborn streak I inherited which blew up in your face all those years ago. I pray karma catches up with you, and given your current situation and life choices. I can't help but smile to myself because you had it coming. 

You lied to my face, and you made me so angry going completely against everything I thought I knew to be true about your character. You took another former friend of mine down with you, and seriously...I hope you're happy. If I ever see either of you or any of your associated people again I will just pretend I am smiling at a stranger on the sidewalk because now things are different and there is no going back. True colors show in their own time and based on what I know about your true colors, I liked your fake shades better because you can only hide the ugly for so long and it must have been exhausting keeping up the act. I've met different people since your chapter in my life and I know the meaning of true unconditional friendship. You might look good on the outside but we both know on the inside you're  pretty dang ugly. It's clear you don't know how to be someone's friend or even know your own beliefs... and as previously mentioned--- not my problem. 

Thank you for keeping my reality humble and believing in me when I couldn't muster the courage to believe in myself. I only knew you for a short time compared to how much life I have left to live. Even though you made your own life decisions which don't include me anymore, I would rather be alone and happy than with you knowing the person you are now. You apologized once and did the same thing over again after I told you specifically I wouldn't stand for it again....and you wonder why I disappeared. For a so called "smart person, sensitive to other people" you really need to rethink things. You didn't try to keep me in your life and the silence told me you weren't nearly as genuine with your intentions as you claimed to be. Not my problem anymore because I picked myself up knowing it wasn't worth my precious mental energy worrying more than I did. 

I'm glad we're growing closer now after time apart. I value good friendships and it's nice to know it's a two way street (at least with you). The little things are important to me. My hope is we continue with the pattern we're developing now for a long time. It'll be worth it. 

I haven't met you yet...but after many stumbles, tears, mistakes, and unknowingly thinking things were okay (when in fact the situations we not) I am soooo looking forward to our time and your presence in my life. I love you already. I know you love me too, we just have to find each other in the sea of people and prove it. In my heart of hearts I never gave up hope for you. It might not be a sappy romantic plot or the most elaborately detailed story but I don't care because it's ours. No one can take it away. Here's to a beautiful future together, whenever the future becomes every day life for us. 

Xoxo,

Ashes

The One with the 7th Mile and the Smile

It's been a while since I wrote anything down on this little page of mine...so here I am.
I cleaned my car out the other day, since it was 85+ degrees and the day before the moon roof was open all night...and yes, it down poured for most of the night. It soaked the seat covers and nearly destroyed my precious radio. Thankfully, all is well and cleaned out. I even found a cheap pina colada air freshener to freshen up the buggy. After a couple days of the can opened to the lowest setting in a small car closed off (not driven)...it was a whole lotta colada, let me tell you. Haha

Lately I seem to be a happier person as a whole and compared to where I was in life towards the end of January I have a whole new outlook. My pseudo Lent sacrifice was actually really good for unclogging all the crap swimming around in my head. I rarely have any negative voices whispering in my head now....and it's hard to explain but I feel free (at least more so than I'm used to feeling the past year or so). You could say it's more at peace up there and I am so excited to feel the calm again.

I've also hovering near the 12 lb weight loss mark on the scale, which doesn't sound like much but I'm content with the progression after a few weeks. I walk almost every day anywhere from 5-7 miles at a time and a full 45 mins of yoga before I even lace up my shoes to go outside. When I walk my head clears and I just focus on the lyrics/ beats of the music on my head phones. It feels good and I keep track of how many laps (1 full lap up and down the drive way here = 1 mile) by a pen mark on the inside of my left hand, also when I stop for a swig of water. Oh, and I smile into the sun....especially today when I walked 7 miles straight.

Physically my hair is much lighter blonde than it was a couple months ago and I have my seasonal freckles popping up on my nose and cheeks.People don't usually believe I am 25 (26 this fall!) and having the freckles makes me appear even further from my actual age. I look in the mirror and smile now, because the sparkle in my eye is starting to show a little brighter. For the longest time I didn't recognize the reflection because it looked so hollow and soul-less...but I'm finding my way now. Mentally, I feel like I've reclaimed my self control...or at least my power thoughts. I don't eat anything between dinner and breakfast, which was easier to get used to than I thought. Instead I switch between dandelion root tea (for digestion and water weight loss) and home made green tea lemonade without the sugar, or just lots of spa water.

Realistically I'm not sure where I will end up with the resumes I'm still sending out...but I found peace where I am at the moment. I am taking better care of myself and doing what I can with the time and space I have in front of me now. A new season will come where I find my job and I will transition again....but realize now the key is to accept "what is" knowing in your heart of hearts you're working ever so gradually in the right direction.  

And...if you need some inspiration, this video will bring you to tears...
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSO4Q5Yf6LQ

I've watched it many times as I continue forward. It's a reminder to keep going no matter what. Forward <3

The One With the Walking and Spa Water

My work out adventure is proving to be more difficult than I thought, so I decided to tweak it a little. I read online you can burn a substantial amount of calories just by power-walking for a couple hours a day and it actually engages more of your muscles than running or walking leisurely. It made more sense for me to start with the more intense walking for long distances than the beginners running program...not sure why.  I'm thinking about investing in a pedometer so it's easier to keep track of my movements.  I find walking up and down the 1/2 mile long driveway here to be somewhat therapeutic. It's fresh air and wide open space I wouldn't have easy access to if I lived in the city....for now I have to enjoy my surroundings because I know this only a temporary thing (thankfully)!
Since it's rainy and pretty dreary outside this evening I think I'm going to spend some time adding to my track list for my work outs. I figure if I have 1- 1 1/2 hours worth of tunes to keep me focused then it will make my work out time go by a little faster. Maybe I will post them later.

Long term thinking, maybe building up an endurance is a better first move than forcing myself to extend my time moving faster. All things considered I increased my "run time" for almost a full minute compared to last week and I figure I can go about 1/4 of a mile at consistent pace after the 6th work out. It doesn't sound like much, yeah, but I can feel the difference and see it in myself.  I feel like I look happier, and much less puffy than I was before. The addition of "spa water" has been fantastic so far...it's just sliced cucumber and lemon seeped in a glass pitcher. It adds a little flavor to the water, and  turns out the combination is a natural diuretic and it definitely works!  

I've also noticed my face is FINALLY close to free of break outs, even though I wash my face every day. My problem area has been concentrated to my chin and last night I went to bed after dinner with my mom & aunt I woke up to an almost clear face...not sure what changed but something did (and I'm happy with whatever it is)! My chin area has been horrible recently and after diet adjustments, exercise changes, and forcing myself to stick to a routine until it becomes habit (like waking up, washing my face, and eating something for breakfast within a half hour of when I roll out of bed) I feel better.

Right now, I feel pretty good about myself and I am starting to feel more confident in my own abilities. I just have to keep positive and more importantly press forward, one step at a time. Good things will come my way soon--I know that much. I have worked way too hard to be stagnant and struggling forever.  LIVE WELL <3

The One With the Tunes List

I admit it, I've never been a fan of running/jogging....it just hasn't been my go-to thing for any point in my life. Then again I haven't forced myself to tie up my shoes and get out there to move faster than a power walk.  Until now.

Since I'm on a self improvement kick, I thought I would finally test my will power and learn to like it...or at least force myself to do it more often. Who am I kidding, the endorphin high (so I've heard) could be fantastic...and any little bit of happiness I can get will work wonders on my overall attitude.  A friend of mine talked about the "Couch to 5K" work out plan, which  takes intervals of walking and running and increases over the 28 work outs..so by the end you should be able to run for a full 30 minutes. I'm not out to be a marathon runner or anything but right now I can focus on myself as I wait for the rest of my life to fall into place. I also noticed 28 work outs done every day instead of the 3 times a week might increase the likelihood running becomes a new habit. ....

I did the first work out and it was hard for me to stop and start every 30 seconds looking at my phone's stop watch so I came up with a play list of up tempo music and slower stuff. I plan to adjust my speed with each song change. It'll take some time to work up to full songs but I figure as long as I'm moving for the entire playlist it will get easier...until I reach the full length run.

So what's the playlist you ask? ....Drum roll please....

1) Don't Stop Believing - Journey (warm up)

2) Stronger - Kelly Clarkson

3) Stand- Rascal Flatts

4) Cruise - Florida Georgia Line

5) Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

6) Raise Your Glass - P!nk

7) The House  That Built Me - Miranda Lambert

8) Country Girl - Luke Bryan

9) She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

10) Here I Go Again - Whitesnake ( Cool Down)

The track list is a total of 38 minutes....which is more than enough to keep me busy for a while. I spent a lot of time listening to different tunes and picking the ones I liked best/ kept me motivated. I pay attention to the lyrics just as much as the beat and I also like variety of genres so I think this mix is pretty good.  As I run more I might change out some of the slower songs for faster, to keep me motivated.  On that note, I should finish downloading the track list to my MP3 player and mentally prepare myself for the continuation tomorrow. Wish me luck (and for wings on my feet haha)!!

<--- P.S. A little wisdom for the day and something to think about.

 

The One With Adding and Subtracting Habits

Over the past few months, I've accepted many things in my life for what they are at the moment....not for an end result like I will be stuck here forever.

At the risk of feeling completely exposed I'm trying to make 2014 the year I work really hard to make positive changes to my life because 2013 really soured my attitude for everything. I had such a tunnel vision focus on where I wanted my future to go I literally couldn't just sit still and savor the moments I had available to me. I was always the one who seemed to make logical and intuitive decisions (I'm the "rare" INFJ personality) but somehow I lost my way. Everyone else around me did the things most young adults do: get married after graduation, find a job, have a baby (not all in the listed order)...except me. I'm not married-or have any prospects at the moment-, I don't have a job yet, but I'm also not currently responsible for a baby or another life. I love kids of any age, and someday I will have my own family. I think the last year was the universe's way of telling me I need to get my own life together and be secure in myself before anything else happens.

People tell me half the battle of figuring out where you're going in life is eliminating the things you don't want/don't need. I've given up trying to communicate with certain people who obviously don't care about my presence in their life. I don't need the extra emotional stress of *why hasn't_____ called me back?* or *I wonder if _____ really meant what he/she said?* If someone is meant to be a part of my life for a long duration then they won't just be "fair weather friends" or only around with their hands out when I have time and energy to give. Any relationship or friendship is a two way street. Remember that, folks. 
I've eliminated junk food, for the most part. I haven't had a fast food burger, pop, Taco Bell, in...a long time. I don't really miss any of it either. Based on the recent break out area of my face (which won't go away no matter what I try) I'm also considering a dairy free diet for a while, until my system works itself out. Hmm...
I'm not Catholic, but every year I've been at AQ (and beyond) I have observed the Lent season by giving up something, and adding something to my life. I gave up negativity. because it just makes me more angry and inwardly volatile to certain people in my life now. It's still a battle when I'm living in a less than ideal environment. I've had my slip ups, but even then, I have to remember their issues are NOT mine and this season is a season, not an ultimate destination. It will get better, if I have the support or not.  I've added clean eating and more exercise. Jumping rope inside is hard with low ceilings, but it works for a couple minutes of cardio. I'm also stretching more through yoga and various relaxation techniques. I like healthy foods and LOTS of water too, and those combined with random detox methods have made me feel so much better from the inside out. I have a goal weight in my head but it's just a number. It doesn't define what's in my soul.

I feel like focusing on the good...and clinging hard to my renewed optimism will make things happen. My life right now is far from where I want it to be....but I know I'm putting in the effort to change it and the right opportunities just haven't shown me where I'm meant to be yet. I'm reminded of "The Secret". Thoughts become things, and the things will appear in their right timing.

The One With the Favorites

It's only human to admit I have some guilty pleasures...and I also find comfort in some of life's simple things. Since I uploaded a bunch of random pictures from my phone, it seems like a good idea to place them here in a post of some of my favorite things.They don't have a particular order of importance but each brings a smile to face, joy & peace into my heart, and somehow makes my life a little better for a moment. So, take a peek at some tangible soul soothers for yours truly:



I love AQ

                                                                                                                                                             <---I love candy. in moderation. Picked up a bag of Birthday Cake M&Ms and they're SO good!...almost as indulgent as their cousins, the Peanut Butter M&Ms. (I said almost!) Fun fact: Milk Duds make my movie experience complete, and I'm all about enjoying Jelly Belly beans... too many favorites to list.

 I love the world of academia. Aquinas College is a dear to my heart because it was my home for 4 years and is a gorgeous campus any time of year. Shout out to my alma mater!! 

<--- I love baking, especially brownies. Some people know them as "crack brownies" because they're basically sinfully delicious, and come in handy when I want to make Friday nights in law school worth enduring. It's the least I could do as I sit and run the projector for a class I don't normally have to be in :)                     

 The reason behind my brownies for hungry law students------> (and faithfully assisting the professor)is I believe in doing nice things for people because it's good for the soul, &you never know who is watching the good deeds...

 Cats and horses are by far my favorite animals on the planet. 

Miss her always <3

<----Sassy was my beloved companion for all 17 years of her life. I miss her every day, and there will never be another feline like her.
R.I.P.


Chippy is always eager for treats here on the farm.

<--- Sushi (and Chinese) makes me happy when I feel the need to eat my feelings. Ming Ten specifically is the best place in Grand Rapids for such occasion. I might be a little biased though, as it has been my go-to place for years.

<--- Michigan sunsets are so pretty, and if caught at the right moment, appear to be painted with a superbly skilled watercolor artist. They also hold the promise of a brighter tomorrow, in my personal opinion!

Pomegranate cider candle

My favorite of all the seasons is fall. Aside from my birthday in September, it means the foliage brings a whole new set of natural wonder. Added bonuses: Hot apple cider, hoodie & jeans weather, crisp air, corn mazes, great sleeping weather. Ahhh....just perfect.  I also love candles in a few different scents, it's girly of me but SO worth it! 


<---It's also the perfect time to curl up under a   cozy fleece blanket, like my personal favorite  pictured here. I <3 tie knot blankets...and the  color purple :)

My jams - also in purple :)

<---And here we have class act Luke Bryan. Country music took its sweet time to grow on me, but now certain artists in this genre (Florida Georgia Line, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, etc) hold many memories for me, and relax my reeling mind.  Shout out to Joshy : THANK YOU  for replacing my beloved MP3 player after the original went for a swim in the washer... oops!

Reed's Lake--summertime

To close out my favorite things (for the moment)....Reed's Lake holds many memories for me. I'm no stranger to chatting away on a bench at Collin's Park with my beloved friend Timmy, sipping green tea lemonades in the summer, and warm drinks in the cooler months. It's beautiful (and peaceful!) part of the city, and Gaslight Village is somewhat of a movie set atmosphere.

My heart is happier and my mind more at ease just thinking about a few of my favorite things.... <3



                                     

The One With at Least Two Words

Every once in a while I find a Facebook gem (of sorts).  Recently, I saw a post with what might be a really cool exercise to try...see what comes out. 

 

I think it might be an example of my optimistic side if I share some of the first phrases I came up with.  They struck me as so simple... yet powerful at the same time.  In no particular order the Top 10 list is:

 

* move forward

 

* have hope

 

* smile now

 

* no regrets

 

* reach higher

 

* stay genuine

 

* don't panic

 

* have faith

 

* love yourself

 

* live well

 

 

The words above aren't meant to have explanations attached to them. I know exactly the points in my life where I needed them for reference and anyone reading can probably apply the same to their own situations. Certain events I've experienced within the past  weeks have made me realize a few things. 1) How I feel about myself is a personal viewpoint and I cannot let what others say or perceive dictate how I'm supposed to feel. 2)  I am my own person and a fully functioning, educated, individual. 3) Laughter and companionship aren't just tangible things, they're meaningful.

 

I can't really explain the changes I've felt within the past few months but I feel different than I did even before Christmas. My circumstances really haven't changed (yet), I just haven't given myself enough credit as to what I have already accomplished and it occurred to me: I drastically lost any hope for whatever my future holds.  Now, I'm finding faith in myself again.  I am a unique breed of person (if you genuinely know me you know what I'm talking about).Once I make up my mind about something one way or the other...there isn't any point in changing it. So the people in my life have to choices: either step aside or jump on my trolley and come with. It's a very black and white approach but it's true. I don't hold anyone's hand to a burner forcing them to stand by me, nor do I expect anyone to fight tooth and nail to keep me alongside them. The right people are worth the struggle, through the bad times, and the reality checks. The right people will find a way to stay regardless of the season.  Even if I ask for advice or guidance, chances are I've already made somewhat of a decision and I only ask because I respect input from those I value in my life. I heard this pearl of wisdom yesterday: trust the process, no matter what happens. I really need to remember it. Someday (even though I don't want to admit it now) I will look back and genuinely understand how everything--good, horrible, mediocre, from this current season of my life--- was  really a series of stepping stones. I refuse to change my personal beliefs. I refuse to settle in life.

 

I refuse to let the rejections or seemingly insurmountable amount stress make me a victim  anymore than situations already have.

 

 

 

The One With the Steps in the Right Direction

No additional words or explanations needed, except this sentence speaks to my soul at the moment. 
I feel lighter already!

The One With the Lonely and Alone Comparison

Sometimes Facebook provides a little wisdom just when you need it most. Perfect example is this post from Positivity Vibrations :

" This is for all the "lonely" people.

The difference between being alone and being lonely is that the lonely ones do not like being alone. But being alone need not entail loneliness. There is no reason to not appreciate being alone, or at least to not see it as a bad circumstance.

Being alone means space and reflection without the background noise. Being alone means absolute and full attention to yourself. Being alone means no compromises made to cater to others. Being alone... means pursuing your passions. Being alone means knowing how to take the time to appreciate who and what you are. Doing these things, alone, need not be a lonely process. If I feel lonely being alone, then I need to cultivate a better relationship with myself.

It is not about having a quantity of others' presence that makes one less lonely, but the quality of appreciating your own presence which enables one to love inside and outside of oneself. "

                                   ****    ****    ****   ****   ****   ****   ****  ****  ****

This actually speaks to the introvert personality I have, even though I'm extroverted in certain situations. Anyway, I feel more at peace lately than I have in quite a while...and I've learned sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go. In a way it's very rejuvenating. Let go of the things you can't control. Let go of the people who have done you wrong and/or repeatedly do so. Let go of others' opinions if they're not supportive or trying to make you into something you're not. Let go of the failed avenues or the wrong paths; they're learning experiences.

Sure, being lonely happens to the best of us... I'm no stranger to it. I didn't know what the lesson of all my struggles for the past year would be... although now I'm beginning to understand it might be a test of faith and a hard shove into taking care of myself after I've focused on so many other things for the duration of my educational career.  One step at a time? Yeah, I'll go with it.

The One with the Jump Rope and the Purple Notebook

I would like to think this whole "lifestyle/attitude change" is easier to start small...and work up to the bigger things. Sometimes I approach things like I'm jumping into the deep end of a pool without floaties, but this time I'm adding things and steps as I go. 

Yesterday I did a few things I've never tried/done before:

I bought a *food journal* from the dollar store. It's just a blank note pad, but it fits my personality...and I thought it would help keep me accountable for the things I do/eat on a given day. It also helps keep me on track for time-keeping and progress notes like I had to do in my paralegal classes.  I plan to write in it every day, weigh myself every Tues morning, and keep track of the calories I eat/burn off. Here's to hoping I keep as good a record for myself as I do with client files :)

The second thing I bought was a weighted jump rope. It was pretty cheap, since 'tis the season for fitness equipment to go on sale. I used to jump rope all the time as a kid, with the little plastic things from Toys R Us. This one is more "adult" and I figure I can balance a little cardio with my yoga. Fun fact: Google tells me  roughly 11 calories are burned for every minute of jumping rope at average speed. It's not a lot, but it would add up through the course of the day. 

                                                   

 I also found an idea for naturally flavored water, sounded fun to try. It's apple cinnamon water, supposed to speed up your metabolism and help detox your system. All you have to do is chop an apple into thin slices and throw in a cinnamon stick.  I let it set over night in the pitcher but it didn't taste like much the next day, so I boiled some new water and let the apples & cinnamon steep like tea, then chilled it in the fridge.  It turned out pretty well and I think it's nice to have a change from just plain water. My plan is to also experiment with cucumber & lemon water on days/weeks where I want to feel like I'm living at the spa. I've always liked lemon in water so I figure it would be along the same lines.

Sure, my life isn't quite where I want it to be just yet, but there's only so many things I can control.

 I found this a while ago via the interwebs... it serves as a self esteem boost, or just a reminder to do the best you can with what you have. I knew early in Dec '13 I didn't want 2014 to play out the same way (for the most part) so I am working to change it in the best ways I know how.  I'm 25, with plenty of life left to live and plenty of positive contributions to make to the world when the opportunity finally presents itself.

The One With The Mascara Brush and the Radio

I wore mascara yesterday. Normally I'm not one for make-up, but I felt like a little dark swipe around my eyes would make them pop and look more soulful. 

I was right. 

I looked in the rear view mirror of my old, yet trusty, Honda Accord as I flexed the mascara brush up and out. It made me smile. After I twisted the brush back into the tube of black goop, I noticed my eyes seemed brighter and not as sad. Honestly, I didn't think the mascara itself made much of an improvement to what was naturally there. The reflection I saw looked different, in a good way. I smiled again when it dawned on me-- I turned a corner with the down-on-my-luck mood I've been stuck in for a while. For a few minutes (actually the entire song of Sara Evans' track "A Little Bit Stronger") I felt at peace. Maybe the yoga, detox baths, and green tea/water are working...or maybe I've finally accepted my life will be used to do great things in due time. I can't dwell on the things I don't have because I might be blind to the possibilities of better things in my future. 

I've found it to be incredibly frustrating when people tell me "you will find the right career, everything will work out"-- as if my efforts to find such thing the last year (or more) haven't meant anything. I've experienced my fair share of rejection (or worse- sent my cover letters and resumes into the abyss of HR departments with no contact, ever). I've had  interviews where I felt like I could hold my own "playing with the big kids" and although I felt like I did well with them, nothing happened with a job offer.  I questioned whether or not all my time in school was a waste, if I did something wrong, and cried many tears when I let myself hope "this is the right job for me" only to find out another candidate won. I drove myself crazy wondering why. I lost my patience with the universe. I really, really, felt like a failure. People tell me I have a lot to offer an employer; both with skills I already have and my ability to learn on the fly. Tell me something I don't know. It took me a while to realize I slipped away from my genuine self and I started to obsess over the negative instead of having faith in the positive. 

I know I'm fighting an uphill battle given the economy and so many people out of work....but someone, somewhere, has to notice my application (polished resume and eloquently written cover letter) in the stacks of resumes and think "she is worth a face to face meeting". I want the right employer to see the joy with newly found hope in my eyes and experience my genuine- light-up-the-room smile. I want to help people and be the most dynamic person I can be in the working world. 

Until the life changing day with a job offer comes, I have to focus on the glimmer I saw in my own eyes. I can't define myself by the number of rejections, or how another person might perceive me through two documents without knowing the person I actually am. I have to continue getting stronger.

                                           Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
                                 And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
                         I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer
                                                              I'm busy getting stronger                           

The One With the New Year's Resolution and the Bracelet

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine last night... about New Year's resolutions of all things. Timmy, in all of his wisdom said he viewed January as a month to decide what he wants to aim for in the new year....and February means the start of applying it. I really liked the concept of giving yourself time to decide/figure out what you want to work towards or change in the new year and if the 31 day reflection in January is done well, chances are the resolution will stick compared to a hasty or uncommitted idea prior to New Year's Eve/January 1. 

I realized through our talk certain things can't be changed in life because they're simply out of my control. At the same time, I don't  have to lay down and scream "uncle" when things are not how I imagined them to be at a certain point in my life. My attitude for the duration 2013 in general wasn't the most optimistic, mostly because I couldn't catch a break job/career wise and I was so frustrated feeling like I didn't have anywhere to reach after graduation (for the second time). Even worse was the struggle to accept always falling second tier to candidates with more experience. I've been in school for so long I don't know how to define myself outside of the academic environment most days. I love school, even though I'm not a genius. I don't mind the work because it's all I've really known. My programs required internships...and I met the requirements in addition to other jobs to fill the summers. I have a pretty wide skill set and not many can say enthusiastically they're willing to adapt/ learn new things to become successful in the work place. I am. I just have to find the right situation where I can grow professionally and put the degrees I worked hard for into practice. No one can take my diplomas away from me, and no one can argue I didn't work for either piece of paper. If they mean nothing else to the outside world they're proof I can finish what I start. I can endure. 

Anyway, back to the resolution. I've decided this year I am going to live healthier, both physically and mentally. Being in transition (still) is full of anxiety and stress...enough to drive anyone crazy. Since the beginning of the month I've done yoga nearly every day and I've also come to enjoy detox baths. I'm nowhere near where I want to be (yet) but I'm actively working towards making myself feel more content from the inside out. I can feel a change, and the universe is giving me little reminders along the way....so I must be on the right track. 

For example:
On a whim, Mom and I went to church  this past Sunday. The congregation is in the middle of a huge expansion project so the services are held at Lowell High School's PAC. The greeters handed out orange bracelets with the simple words "New. Now"...to match the staff's T Shirts with the same phrase and color. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard but the whole sermon (conveniently on self awareness and attitude) served as a reminder new things are inevitable and like it or not the focus sometimes needs to be on the "now" and not "future" or "past".  It's a pair of simple words...but much more complex to internalize, and even more difficult to accept. 

Through most of my school career I dreamed of the future and what possibilities it holds after graduation. At the time, the real world seemed a safe distance away when I kept it at arm's length. School was safe for me because I knew (generally) what to expect and made good decisions to balance my time and ride the roller coaster journey to graduation. I knew the goal was a diploma. Now it's a new year...and a new season of my life where I don't have classes, or papers to write, or heart to hearts with my peers in the dorms any time I want. I jumped into college right after high school because it was the logical transition for me. No regrets. I accomplished what I set out to do in higher education and now another phase of my life has to start, long transition period or not.  I lost my footing and "the world is my oyster" mindset  because I didn't want to stare uncertainty and a crappy economy head on. I found comfort in the general idea  my bright future is tomorrow, and not right now because the "now" is still familiar. In school I moved forward in life with the notion I can be anything I wanted to be, but not quite sure how me as a person would change along the way. I still don't know.  It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and little rocks fall down the side...once they fall they're in moving transition until they find a new resting place. We never really know what happens to them after moving from their point A; maybe they chip, maybe they fall apart completely, or maybe they stop at the new location completely unchanged. The point is: once the dust of transition settles, either the rocks physically change or parts to their surrounding environment changes. The  "new"change eventually becomes the "now"...and the cycle likely repeats itself, welcomed or not.  

I have to focus my energy on what I can do with myself for "now" because who knows what the "new" will bring. 

The One With the Number 27

The number 27 right now, means the turning of age for one of my dearest friends in the world. He is 27 today...and I'm amazed at how a decade (or more?) long friendship spanning an entire time zone (and a few states) seems to work for us. We don't know anything different, but I do know I would be a very different person without him in my life.

Usually I'm the one talking. He listens, always. Sometimes I can't tell if he's rolling his eyes at me or surfing the web as I ramble...but the point is, he's been there for me. He saw me through a lot of terrible times. He's also shared my joy during the good times. There are moments when we can sit in silence on the phone and just be. It's rare for me to feel comfortable with any guys (and he knows why) but he never once judged me for my tense moments or when I call him because I don't know who else to call and vent to. He still doesn't judge me and I am so appreciative of his presence in my life. I know he could have easily disappeared like so many people have the past few years. He is still with me. It's strange to think where I would be without him in my world but thankfully I don't have to wonder. There are very few people I trust in my life and he's earned it with continuous support.

I wish we lived closer. Sometimes I wish I missed my flight back to MI when I visited in the fall.  Something about him makes me feel at peace and then I can only hope other people in the world are fortunate enough to know a loyal friend, no matter how far apart the two people are. He sent me flowers from a local (to me) flower shop just because he felt I needed something to smile about. I still have the note and a single white (now brown tinted) rose from the bouquet. When I was upset about the accidental death of my beloved purple MP3 player...guess what showed up at my door, just before Christmas? An exact replacement! I strive to be a great person because I know he will find such joy in his heart knowing once I find my way to "the good life" he'll be watching me with the same smile I saw when I climbed the stairs at DIA.

I'm sure he knows I wouldn't want him to settle for anything less than he deserves in life. I try to bend his thoughts and make him dream a little but sometimes I don't think he really understands I just want him to be the best person he can be. When you're really a friend to someone it requires tough love sometimes. More than anything in the world I want him to be unafraid to live life and know it's okay if something leads to a mistake. I'll be there to encourage and support.  I want him to grow this year as a person. I want him to stretch his wings and find what really makes him feel good... more importantly something to give his life a meaning. He'll get there someday. I know it.

He might not know it but I've always had faith in him, and I want him to be great. So, Happy Birthday to my beloved friend, Josh. Oh, and Josh? If you're reading this...may your donkey never lose its sense of direction and may your glass be at least half full for today and every day after.